Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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