nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
