Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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