There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
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