So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
