Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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