don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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