Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
I'm bleeding and have questions
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
