i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
