I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
