I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
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There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
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I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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