the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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