I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
