I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
