so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just blew my weed a kiss
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Randomize
