Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
