Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
