Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
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