What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
