i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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