I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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