She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
We're not piercing ourselves today.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
Randomize
