So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize