So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We're not piercing ourselves today.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
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