Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I BLEED THE BLOOD OF MY ANCESTORS WHO FOUGHT SO BRAVELY FOR MY FREEDOM
cool u want pads or tampons
tampons please
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
