i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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