I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
