Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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