if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
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