I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
