Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Randomize