even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
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