quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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