i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Randomize
