if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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