Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
