It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
