So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
