You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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