i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
