so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize