I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
