remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I just gift wrapped bread.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
