Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
