The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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