i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
