i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
