a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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