Heybabeimwearingurpanties
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
