You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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