closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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