Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Randomize
