we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
